Unconditional Love

Photo Credit: Manny Alvarez

This week was an extremely emotional one.  We had guest speakers named Tom and Donna Cole from Pure Heart Ministries speak from the book the co-wrote together.  If you would like to know more about their ministry, click here.  I'm going to share a little bit about what God has been teaching me.

I am realizing that I have let what has happened to me through life affect my opinion of who God is instead of relying solely on what I've learned from His word and in relationship with Him. I have been learning that I am extremely loved by God, and that his love is unconditional and unfailing. It sounds like such a simple message but before I viewed God to be human-like and I couldn't wrap my brain around how someone could exist that could love me unconditionally without fail. I still can't fully grasp it, but I think I have finally accepted it for the first time in my life.

A couple of years ago someone that I loved hurt me deeply and I never realized until now how much I let that identify me and define who God was to me. I wouldn't have admitted it because I think I was in denial of this fact, but I thought, "where was God" in this situation? I felt as though the rejection from this person was also the rejection of God, that God must not love me enough to bring a quality relationship into my life. I thought I must not be lovable enough for someone to be in a committed relationship with me. I was emotionally scarred and have been walking through life ever since trying to build up my own strength by putting up walls around my heart and vowing to never let someone hurt me like that again. I never realized that my heart was becoming hardened and that Jesus was trying to comfort me the whole time. It affected my relationships with my friends and family as well. I was snappy, insensitive, and just plain mean at times as a defense mechanism used to prove to myself that I didn't care and that those people couldn't hurt me. Jesus has poured out His love to me this week and honestly changed my life. He's been revealing to me that He was there whenever I cried even one tear, just wanting me to turn to Him. Instead I blamed Him and ran towards other things for comfort.

I used to wonder why bad things happen to good people and I have been learning that God doesn't want these things to happen. God didn't create us to love Him without question because that isn't love, it's captivity. Our God is a God of freedom! He gave us the choice, the free will, to choose to love him and honor him with our lives. He has freed us from the trap of sin by dying on the cross for us in our place. Bad things happen when other people use their free will to make poor choices. God is still loving in those times. He carries us and wants to comfort us. He wants to guide our steps as we navigate through healing, we just have to remember that this kind of pain does not come from Him. We are His precious children that He never wants to see hurting.

We have an incredible God and I am so happy that I get to be his beloved daughter. His unfailing love is the anchor to my soul. With it, I know that I am always loved and when I remember it, the pain of this world is only temporary.

I pray that YOU, the person reading this, might remember the ways that people have failed us and be able to see the love of God pouring into that situation even though we may not have recognized it at the time.

Kona Days

Wow.  I am only in the middle of week four and I feel as though I've lived here a year already!  This place is amazing and I am astounded that God would bless me so much as to bring me through this experience!

Living in Hawaii is interesting.  It's so strange to be living in a vacation destination when I, myself, am not on vacation.  When I go off campus I see so many older married couples walking around in Hawaiian button-up shirts and visors it's not even funny.  Okay, well it's still kind of funny.  This island is not very touristy though, so I am getting to know some of the locals as well.  So far I've been to a different beach every weekend.  I'm not used to living close to a beach.  I'm very sunburnt.  I like to say that I am becoming more of a YWAMer each weekend as I get familiar with my surroundings.  I've already gotten lost walking to Walmart, turning what was supposed to be a 30 minute trip into a 50 minute trip.  (Thanks but no thanks, Siri.)  Two weekends ago a bunch of us took some ill advice on how to get to a certain beach from some surf boarder dudes like this guy and we got on a bus that took us half way across the big island which we then took back to Kona immediately because they forgot to mention the eight mile hike from the point where the bus line ended.  It turned out alright though because it was an adventure and we got to ride through and see parts of the island we hadn't seen before for only a dollar!  And it was a fun bonding experience.

Week days are very busy and they consist of going from one thing to another without much time in between.  I go from breakfast, to corporate worship time in the Ohana (which means family) Court, to morning lecture, to lunch, to afternoon lecture, to work duty (I'm on groundskeeping), to dinner, to intercession time in the prayer room and I have about an hour at the end of the day until I go to bed.  It's wonderful and I am learning SO MUCH... I am just still trying to keep up with processing it all.  We also have weekly photo assignments, bible reading, and book reports to do, so it is very challenging but oh so rewarding!

We have a different speaker each week that teaches on a different topic.  The first week was on hearing the voice of God and it was taught by the PhotogenX discipleship training school's founder, Susi Childers.  The second week was taught by Layne Grime on identity.  This week, we are learning about the restoration of our hearts and healing the wounds from our past.  Our teachers are Tom and Donna Cole and they teach from the book called "Pure Heart" which they co-wrote together.  I will post another blog post soon about what I am learning about through their lectures.  It is really amazing stuff and the Lord has gifted this couple with an incredible testimony and ministry.

If you would like to know where I am going for my outreach ask me via e-mail, facebook, or call/text.  I AM SO EXCITED!

Here are some photos from my time here so far.  These are either photos that I've taken on weekends or for photo assignments in school.

Worship at the Ohana Court

This is Rachel from Florida.  She's a gem.

This is Lisa from Germany.  She's adorable.

Black sand from the black sand beach

It's a blast being surrounded by so many photographers

"LOST" anyone?

Mahalo, Hawaii!

I AM IN LOVE… with this whole experience.  I have only been here one week so far, but I just know that this time will change my life forever.  For one, it is the most beautiful place I have ever been in my entire life.  I have always heard that Hawaii is beautiful but it is just so far beyond that! It is heavenly.  The flowers and smells overwhelm the land, the people are wonderful, the school is fantastic, and I have already made some wonderful new friends both in the PhotogenX DTS and in Awaken (another DTS that runs this quarter), as well as some other people on campus.

There are 26 students in my DTS (called PhotogenX), 21 women and 5 men, with the youngest being 18 and the oldest being 33.  I fall right in the middle, age-wise, which was surprising because I thought this was something most people do after high school and before college, but it turns out that’s not the case!  We have students in our DTS from the U.S.A., Japan, Colombia, South Korea, Brazil, Germany, Holland, and Singapore.  It’s a blast getting to know everyone.

One of my favorite things that happened here so far was reuniting with an old friend from my Millersville University orientation group freshman year, named Carl.  I didn’t know him that well then, but I have been overjoyed to reconnect and hear how he was led to Jesus in recent years and how God is using him in INCREDIBLE ways since becoming a Christian.  Carl did a DTS through this base before and now runs the coffee shop on campus.  Perhaps it was the jet lag and emotional state I was in, having gone through a bit of culture shock upon arriving, but it was simply wonderful to see a face that I knew amongst a crowd of unfamiliar faces.  To me, Carl’s face represented home, and I am just so glad to have another Lancastrian among us!

This is just one example of how I have felt God’s blessings every step of the way here.  I have not doubted his guidance here for one second yet.  I know that this is where I am supposed to be.  I am tremendously aware of his presence and I am prepared (as much as I can be) to be broken by the Lord and to reshape my life around Jesus.  We have only had three days of classes so far, but I am overjoyed to get to focus and learn on something with eternal value!

Some things I’m excited to learn/areas I’d like to grow in:

• I’d like to grow closer to God.  I want to fall in love with Jesus here!
• Being a bucket filler.  (I’m a teacher, what can I say?)  It’s funny how even though I live in a beautiful place, every once in a while I catch myself complaining about the humidity or something and then I want to kick myself in the teeth.  I want to encourage others and build them up, avoiding gossip, unkind words, or judgment when it comes to relating people that are different than myself.
• Boldness in ministry.  As I look back on my life I’m sad to say that I realize that I have missed too many opportunities to share Jesus with others.  I want to learn more about God and learn specifically about ministry and grow towards being more open to talking about my faith with others.  I want to be completely unafraid to reach out to others and tell them about the One who gives life meaning and sets us free!
• Hearing God’s voice.  I’d like to learn how to better hear and obey the Lord’s calling on my life.  This means I will have to surrender my own plans and open myself up to the possibility that Jesus might completely change my idea of what my life should be like.

I can't wait to find out where I will be going for the second half of our school!  Today we were presented with our three choices and ordered our choices from one to three.  The options were Panama, Thailand and China, and Germany and Turkey.  (The two-country options means that our time in each one is split.)  We should be finding out sometime soon (within the next day or two) where we are going.  I laid down under a banana tree and prayed.  My choices in order were:

1. Thailand and China
2. Panama
3. Germany and Turkey

I would honestly be super excited about any of the options.

I am very busy but I will try to take more pictures and post them soon.  I am having a lot of fun, as well!  My first weekend here was spent riding around on rented mopeds (at a super cheap rate for YWAMers) and going to some further away secluded beaches.  It was a beautiful day spent with three new friends.  This entire island is beautiful and driving the mopeds was such a fun adventure.  I had a blast!

I am absolutely ecstatic to be here and feel ultra blessed to be a part of this ministry!  To those of you that supported me, I cannot say it enough--THANK YOU!!!  It is truly amazing how much I can tell that the Lord is changing my life and teaching me how to serve others.

I will post again soon about the final decision for where I will be going, so stay tuned!

Two Days

(Don't be fooled by this picture.  I will certainly not be sitting on a beach this entire time, FYI.)

In two days I will be getting up at the crack of dawn with my dad to fly to Kona, Hawaii for my DTS with YWAM.  Pops graciously offered to drive me to the airport at 3am, (in case he hasn't driven to Philly enough lately) even though he has to work that day.  He's a treasure.

To put it lightly, I have been BLOWN AWAY, (no exaggeration) by the kindness and generosity of others.  This has nothing to do with me, because honestly, I have had such little faith that God would provide my entire lecture AND outreach fees for the school through my own savings, work as a substitute teacher, and the GENEROUS donations of others.  I was seriously expecting to go without all of the money and just pray that it would all come in by some miracle.  In other words, I knew that God would provide, I just didn't think He would be that good to me by also giving me the peace and reassurance of having it all before I leave.  Moral of the story:  God provides in exactly his own way and I need to be a little more expectant of the miracles He can do!

I cannot say enough thanks to those of you that donated money.  While I had to humble myself and realize the fact that I couldn't do this alone, God used each of you to encourage me!  For those of you that know me you know that I am big on making plans.  I like to be prepared so much that it makes me one "strong independent woman" as I like to joke.  This experience of fundraising has required me to say "you know what, I don't have a plan, nor do I know how this is going to work out, but I am dependent on God rather than myself and the "strong independent woman" power within me isn't enough."  I'm not gonna lie... that kind of trust was really stretching for me, but as each of you sent money, I realized that YOU are entrusting me with some of your money, which shows that you are also trusting God to provide for your needs as well.  Nothing like a kick in the pant seat from a ton of people demonstrating faith in my area of struggle!  Thank you all for trusting God in this way, and for helping me to answer the Lord's call to do this thing!

For those of you that sent encouraging notes, and gifts... I am overwhelmed with emotion every time I look at it all.  With all of these tokens of love and encouragement I feel as though the Lord has used you to remind me of how truly BLESSED I am to know each and every one of you.  I keep them all in a little box, and each time I open it I am visually reminded of how loved I am, despite the fact that I feel I don't deserve it.  It was a beautiful thing to open letters from friends and family that want to express their love and appreciation for me... it felt like a birthday but better!  I would love to tell you about each item in this picture and how much each of these people mean to me, but I feel as though I have been gushing enough already, so I will share two things that particularly touched my heart in a unique way.

1. A letter from a Black Rock Retreat Summer camper's parents.  It is always a blessing to hear that my past five years there meant something to someone, even though it was a BLAST for myself, as well.  I have been so blessed to be a part of the ministry there and it will certainly be difficult once in a while this summer as I think of those at camp.  For my dear summer staffers of 2014:  I will be praying for you every time I think of you!  God does great work through you!

2. My kindergarten teacher and long-time friend, Mary Lou (Humphreys) Neidig, gave me the sweetest card and a friendship bracelet so that I could remember my support system of friends and family back home.  How many people can say that their kindergarten teacher has watched them grow up and is still a part of their lives today, especially enough to give them a FRIENDSHIP bracelet?!  Seriously, this woman is amazing and means so much to me... I could write an entire blog post about how much I love her but I will refrain... for now.  ;)

I know I said I would only share two but I also have to know that any of the items in the picture above that could possibly be sewn were indeed sewn by my amazingly talented and giving friend, Courtney Wood.  She's... just ridiculous.  If you know her, you know what I mean.  If you don't know her, well, I'm sorry about that.

I do apologize for gushing so much in this blog post, so if you are still reading, KUDOS to you for withstanding the emotional explosion all over this webpage.  I simply want you all to know how much I appreciate you.  The next time I post it will probably be in Kona... EEK!  Gotta finish packing!